Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That