Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
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Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔