The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
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Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My first son he is wonderful
monday
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.