My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
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Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Mouse
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.