Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
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Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow