Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
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Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
(Gaming support cat.)
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
BRAKING NEWS!!
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.