2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
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therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
#damn
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..