SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
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People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
i think both sides are to blame here
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*