*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
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The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.