fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
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I am all good here, 😂😉
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.