The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
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She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The news is so predictable nowadays
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum