There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
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If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
79.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo