With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
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My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently