I’m giving up ice.
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I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts