Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
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I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”