I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.