Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
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“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
wut hotdog?
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.