One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
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named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My typo game is string.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.