fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
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If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat