My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
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[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
If I ignore life will it go away?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
a god among men
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it