THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
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Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.