Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
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When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.