We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
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I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.