I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
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You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!