If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
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The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.