Plant care tips
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Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car