After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
You Might Also Like
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight