Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
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pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Had an epiphany today.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.