Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
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me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Who’s your best friend?
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
THIS HEADLINE
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
bad
worse
worst
worchester
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator