im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
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If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁