If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
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So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
#Caturday
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing