me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
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5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.