I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
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Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Cake!!
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector