Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
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When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
the Monday after daylight savings
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
just gave your address to some spiders
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain