Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
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Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?