(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
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Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe