REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
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Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
The big book of baby names but for safe words
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
This week’s mood.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
twitter users today:
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok