*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
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I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there