What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
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She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Wait a minute…
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas