-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
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Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin