Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
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If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Peter Parker Peter Driver
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”