me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
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Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
happy valentine’s day to me
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that