Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
You Might Also Like
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.