me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
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“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee