Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
You Might Also Like
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*