roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
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Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
“Wait, let me explain..”
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
*limbos under the caution tape
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?