them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
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i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Go girl power!
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.