Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
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6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.