We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
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Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
tinder is all about the long game
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Herpes is trending, good job people
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face