Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
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“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
*mops up wine with cat*
TODAY
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”